Les Petite Problemmes du Vie

Ok. A lot of crummy stuff is going on and I desperately need to write it out, if only to get my mind around everything that I need to deal with:


1) Most urgently, I need $160, and probably $320, to pay my rent.

I pay rent weekly and it's due each Friday. I was expecting a money order from mom for last Friday's, and it never came. The day of, I kept calling and calling and when I finally got ahold of her it was 5:00 and she was having a birthday dinner with Sarah and Jesse, and told me she'd call back when she was through. I tried to stop her and say that I really couldn't wait, but it was apparently really loud where they were, and she hung up.
I had left to go help Laura with her move, and when I got back at 9 that night, the lock on my door had been changed! Ya. They were serious, evidently, when they said rent is due on fridays. I caught the building manager at the last minute before he left, and he indicated that I'd be able to get my stuff out at some point (he didn't say, but I assume Monday - tomorrow).
Ideally I would arrive with money in hand so to convince the manager to let me back in. I guess I have today to figure out how to do that.


2) I cannot register for winter quarter - which begins next Tuesday Jan. 8 - until I have signed off on some payment arrangement.

Everything could be solved if only my dad would pay back the loan from fall quarter. He has promised as much on at least three different occasions. But as he is impossible to reach, I have absolutely no indication that he will pay, much less within the next seven days. So unless I can somehow come up with $2500 cash before January 6, I probably won't be attending the UW this quarter. I'm going to have to beg mom and nana to help me - that's probably what it's going to come down to. Sad, because I know they don't have money to spare. At least mom definitely doesn't. I would promise to pay them back at some point in the future, but realistically I have no idea when that would be possible. I'm unemployed, and even when employed I have so many other expenses (rent, probation/court fees, college books, etc., etc.) that I'd have to pay them in installments.

Well, anyway, to return to the point: my father is a fucking bitch. I strongly suspect that someone is filtering his emails for him, but even if, it's impossible that he wouldn't be aware of it. So he's just as guilty. In fact he is more so, as he probably feels irreproachable since someone else is actively doing the deed. And as if he's helpless to do anything - ya right. Well, I'm impressed with his compartmentalizing abilities, that he's able to feel perfectly fine playing with his son's life like this, only to call up six months later and act like everything is hunky-dory. And I have to act likewise so as not to upset him and lose contact and his financial help altogether. All I know is that when I become financially secure and don't need to kiss his ass just to get money - if that ever happens, I'm going to pay him a visit and tell him and his psychotic wife off, once and for all.


3) I'm struggling with depression.

I know a good part of it is S.A.D. - seasonal-affective disorder. Seattle winters always hit people hard in that area. Yesterday, I slept from about 6 p.m. basically all the way through until 12 noon today. And that has not been unusual for me, lately.

I really have a hard time socializing and even engaging in conversation these days. I made it through Christmas: I spent the entire day with Laura and her fam, and the night before with the Hagopian-Ludwigs in Fremont. It went as well as could be expected, but since then I've just been stuck in a rut. I admit it's mostly situational: I'm unemployed, under financial duress, and on the verge of homelessness. So perhaps a little depression is only natural. Whatever. I wish life would be easier. I fuckin' wish that I had money, for christ's sake. That's another thing. On the job front, I've been declined so so many times based on background checks. I mentioned in a prior entry about being recruited for a contract/temp job with the Gates Foundation - that fell through solely because I couldn't pass a background check. Constant rejection like that takes its toll, I suppose.

One might say it's my own fault, on the other hand, it's not my fault that society discriminates against those with an imperfect past. It's not Seattle. I think Seattle is the best place I could be, frankly. People here are tolerant, civilized, and there really are a lot of job opportunities. It's the west. People come here from all over the country to start their lives, or to start their lives over. But Seattle is America and America has its flaws; its idiosyncracies; and in this country, fate doesn't always treat kindly those with limited resources. There are a lot of pitfalls out there when you lack money and family support. Not to say I don't have family support, or that I am not grateful for that which I do have. But I lack a cohesive family that comes together to figure out how best to help someone in need. Or if I did, those days have since past.

That is one thing that those who possess it take for granted - a strong family. There is no replacement for it and I think nothing is more effective in ensuring that one has a successful and happy life. Those who are able, like my sister, join so to speak, a new family, and that can suffice. But that takes years and is obviously not easy or even possible. I dare say it is easier for a female, anyhow.