Drowsy / Impotent

I feel impotent. I mean this literally and figuratively.

Since I am between jobs right now and not in school, I have free time during the day, and as I have explained in previous entries, Seattle has world-class espresso joints that I love. I've become somewhat addicted. I fuckin' love the stuff; it's such a delicacy, such an indulgence. Usually mid-afternoon, I bring my books and sit down for an hour, sometimes two, at Vivace or Cafe Vita.

I quaff my latte/cappucino, then dig into my book, but inevitably I nod-off. It surprises me because this happens right after I've gulped the coffee. I've always wondered if coffee doesn't produce the opposite reaction with me - it makes me drowsy. Nodding off while reading a book - a frustrating situation. So I force my eyes to stay open, with varying degrees of success. But this shouldn't be.

I mean, sometimes it is so bad that I read one or two pages in an hour. Then I leave, puzzled and slightly disgusted with myself for being so dopey. If I am at Cafe Vita sitting at an outside table, nearby patrons may presumably see me in this state - trying again and again to read the page, head drifting slowly downward, eyes drooping. Ridiculous. And pathetic.

This can't go on. I feel like I'm deluding myself. Self-discipline has always been important to me. Feeling as though I maintain some discipline, some maintenance of rigor and fortitude and constancy in certain areas of my life - intellectual being one - makes me satisfied and makes me feel whole and like I am a worthwhile human being. When I falter, it bothers me. Significantly.

I don't know. There is another piece of the puzzle that I am not mentioning, but which I have chosen not to get into in my OD pages. Perhaps I will at some point, but right now I choose to simplify things by omitting certain things and keeping these things private. The gist of it is that I am on a certain prescribed medication that causes what I've been describing.

And the impotence. I do not know what to do about it. An obvious option would be to consult a doctor, and I will look into this forthwith. I do hope something can be done.

I have a girlfriend now, and this impotence thing - well, it's not impotence so much as simply an inability to cum - and this has been a real downer multiple times for us. A major bummer. Worse, girlfriend thinks it has something to do with her, that it's her fault that I don't always cum and that it's hard for me to. I'm totally freakin' erect, that is not a problem at all. And it's almost like the relationship is not consummated sexually unless I come. And I don't. More often than not, I don't.

Fuck.


- d.g.w. 8/16/07