Applying for...

The fuck? I am really tired and I can't get any sleep because my apartment is too hot. I have a vascillating fan I got at the drugstore for $20, and it doesn't do a very good job at keeping me cool. I don't know how I sleep at night, honestly. I definitely don't fall asleep very early.
Well, I'm still waiting on the job apps. and interviews. I had two interviews yesterday and haven't heard back yet. It's a drab place to be - unemployed and always waiting and waiting to hear something. I've gotten used to it, truly, being in that state. But it wears on your self-esteem after awhile. You keep wondering what it is about you that these employers aren't liking? or what it is that's keeping you from being accepted for the meager wages you are seeking? It should not be so hard.
So there is that, and then I'm still on the dating site - The Stranger personals, which is quite an exciting site, for all of the absolutely gorgeous and sophisticated women I've seen on it. But here too, I haven't hit paydirt as far as actually meeting someone in person. The pattern is that I will chat with someone for a day, maybe two, maybe three if I'm lucky - and then zero - they stop writing. Usually around the same time I ask for her email address or gently suggest we might meet for coffee sometime (so perhaps it's no coincidence?).
Hence, the job and the woman: rejection and deferrment. These become intertwined in the psyche, into one bundle of sadness and dejection. Maybe that is too dramatic. Yes. After all, one can't expect to win such things quickly. Woman, job - these are valuable commodities in this world, with healthy competition around them.

So I should be patient, I tell myself. And yet I have so much desire for some change in my life. And I do think that I have done more than the average person toward such goals; toward change. One small example I was considering today is that I no longer take naps during the day - not ever, usually. Not even to lie down, even though now that I'm not working I do have the opportunity (then again, maybe I just don't because the apartment is too hot). As a teenager and even a couple years ago, I would savor taking afternoon naps and what not. I loved sleeping, and I'd more often than not sleep late, if I could get away with it. Again, there is the extenuating circumstance that Seattle's latitude makes for a very long summer day - but, now I naturally wake up at 7 or 8, instead of the usual 10-11 or 12 in years past. My energy level is generally higher throughout the day, with less moodiness. My mood used to swing during the day, from low in the morning and early afternoon, to generally higher in the evening and late at night. I maintain much greater equilibrium these days, and I am grateful for that. It really makes life easier. I don't have to worry about how I will feel at this or that time when I'll have this or that engagement. Moodiness always made for added stress/anxiety.

Progress I have made, and yet I feel less satisfaction somehow. I've given it considerable thought, and I do believe that at 25, I have reached that life stage where I truly am biologically desirous of a mate. The human male is at some level always desirous of a mate, but I currently feel as with a fever. I feel this compulsion for love, not just lust, and it permeates deeply because of its fundamental, probably hormonal nature in my being. This I do believe. Environment also has played a role with my desire for love and for a mate - I have described the scene with regard to couples/beautiful young women, etc., in previous entries. This atmosphere only serves as a constant reminder of what I lack and what I desire.