Ok, this is my third entry in a row [on OpenDiary.com] - I'm just still not satisfied! I need to keep writing. It is cathartic, I think it is helping me calm down. My thoughts are flowing a little smoother.
As I mentioned, I haven't written in OD for maybe two, three weeks. Since Seattle Central had been shuttered and I currently am without a laptop, I've had to depend on the library for email. They only allow you an hour there, and that's often not enough for everything I have to do these days - apartment searching, email, etc., much less time enough to write a diary entry. But Central is open now, so I should be writing more frequently.
I wrote that I have been frustrated lately - fucking frustrated, to be precise. Muthafuckin' frustrated. Indeed. I just feel so unsatisfied. And stressed. Totally stressed-out.
On top of being homeless, I am still corresponding with the Canadian chick I met online. We talk every other day and email usually every day. She says she is coming down in two weeks. And I still don't even really know what she looks like! She has sent me four pictures, total, but they are a little mysterious; unrevealing. Two are close-up/portraits, but one is too dark and the other is nice, but her hair is covering half her face and one eye. I definitely know what she sounds like; she has a wonderful, almost sultry voice. For a while she was calling me at 6 waking me up for work. It was so nice to hear her lovely little purr bright and early. God, what a sweetheart. I feel a lot for her, I definitely have a ton of feelings for her. I don't know, it's crazy maybe, since she is in Edmonton, Alberta for christ's sake. I havent' told much of anyone about it. Actually I did tell mom - I think she may have found out by reading my OD entries, as a matter of fact - but I haven't indicated how serious Jen and I feel about our relationship. If she does come down - and there is still some doubt about it - I really do wonder what it'll be like. I feel like I know her pretty well from all of the phone conversations we have had. But then I ask myself, how much do I care about the physical? I don't know, I mean how much of a relationship is physical anyway? It usually starts off with the physical, the sensory. What if for some reason we just don't mesh face-to-face? I don't know. I'm in uncharted waters here, and I really have no clue how to proceed with all of this. And of course it is more than a little stressful.
Jenny is fond of saying "I love you", and things like that, and I don't always know quite how to respond. I usually don't say "I love you" back because it sounds weird to me. Right now it does, anyway. I just can't really say it to her and be certain that I mean it. You know, if you're going to say "I love you" to a person, these are some weighty words. You don't just throw them out there, that's for sure. So I'm a little ambivalent about the whole thing, and I would think that she is, too, but those are not the words that come out of her mouth.
Truth be told, I've sort of been dating off and on, too, even while Jen and I have been "together". As a matter of fact, I have a date lined up for this Friday with a gal I met on The Stranger "Lovelab" - the paper's online personals site. I hate to say it, but if it comes down to it I'm going to go with this girl over Jenny.
I guess we will see what happens. I'll definitely be writing it all down in my entries here. It helps me cope, it's therapeutic, and it helps me sort out my own feelings. For that matter, it's a little record of sorts of my life. It might make for fascinating fodder 10 years from now! You never know. Wow, I wonder where the fuck I'll be 10 years from now. Wonder if I'll still be in Seattle. Hard to say. Probably, since I seem to be starting my career and stuff here. Plus, my sister is here and I've become fairly close to her in-laws. They are well-connected in Seattle.
So that's about it. That's three entries in a row! Good enough for you? Well, I think I'm satisfied. And I do feel better than when I started. Catharsis. Literary catharsis for the twenty-something soul, lol~
-d.g.w. 7/2/07
No comments:
Post a Comment